High Lonesome

Sexual Harassment and YOU

The perils of the heterosexual male in the workplace are many.  Thankfully the good folks at GE have a few pointers to alleviate confusion.

Children Are Our Future....God Help Us All

I wish I would have been able to apply treatment to the row full of spazed out brats in front of me on the flight to Orange County today... 

Live Blogging: Florida Primary Edition

I'm still waiting on guests to arrive and I've not switched on CNN.  So now is a good time to pull out the gray goose and look deep into the martini glass to see what is in store for us tonight. 

Martini Glass Divination Predictions

Republican Slate

• 34% Romney
• 32% McCain
• 16% Rudy
• 12% FuckABee
• 6% Paul

Democrat Slate

• 44% Hillary
• 40% Obama
• 16% Edwards

5:32 MST  WTF CNN is reporting returns before all the polls have closed.  I guess we didn't learn anything from 2000.

5:35 MST Hillary Clinton plans to Party Down for a Big Win in Florida that has no delegates.  Someone send that woman a big glass of symbolism over substance.

5:51 MST  The Lovely Aimee asks, "If you win a primary with no delegates, does that make you the first loser?"

5:53 MST  Clint, wearing his I *heart* Hillary button, says "a win is a win."

6:01 MST Polls Close.  CNN Graphics Intern is still using the same crappy visual aids.

6:13 MST CNN Calls the Democrat Florida Primary for Hillary Clinton...Wolf!  Tell her what she's won..

That's right Hillary, you've won an empty victory.  No Votes, No Delegates, No Problems.  Just like Michigan.  But thats not all, you've won the right to stand on a stage and claim a win that has as much significance as the believability of your marriage to Bill. 

Hill-a-Tini:  Pretty in Pink

• 2 oz Stolis
• 1 oz Cranberry Juice
• 1/2 oz Tipelsec
• lime juice

6:26 MST  Hill-a-Tini deemed a success.  Lightweight, pink, sour, and lacking substance.

6:32 MST CNN Babbles on about Hillary's win, that wasn't a win, but might be a win, because it looks a win, and because no one really pays attention to the details, it could be a draw.

6:44 MST  Hillary is gloating about her kinda-somewhat-maybe win with no delages...let's listen in...

Bla bla bla, historic win [really?], I will make Florida votes count [unlike 2000 maybe], because I won, I will make sure your delegates get seated now,  this is an intense election because people actually care [which is good because you care more than anyone else].  Lord, she's still pushing the 35 years of experience.  It's just like Tyler Bramlet in HS...the world is my resume even if I've never accomplished a damn thing.  Thankfully....wolf breaks away...

6:48 MST We all thank Wolf for pulling us away from that dog and pony show.  Now, time for another drink!

6:51 MST Rudy 4 Prez HQ looks like he's running for Collier County School Board.  Next Up:  The Key Lime Martini

• 2 oz of gray goose
• 1 oz half and half
• 1/2 oz lime juice
• 1/2 oz half n half

6:56 MST The FuckAbee Speaks...We Drink And Mock

I wish I'd brought the FL weather with me [oh...so funny], we're 2nd in delegate count, we're in this ballgame for 9 innings [ya, and you've lost the last 3], we're just getting started [no, it's just the beginning of the end....thank goodness], long list of people who helped him lose...bla bla bla, oh, here comes the fried chicken joke....at least he didn't bring up the squirrel.

7:02 MST Bill Bennett to Obama:  "Step it up man, you're playing ball against team Clinton, not the Church League."  He's not kidding, just ask Kathleen Willey.

7:06 MST  CNN tells us that Rudy blew it big time.  Does he drop out tonight.  Discuss

7:12 MST CNN Projects McCain Winner in Florida

7:16 MST Please tell me that Mikale-Gorbi-Without-The-Splotch didn't use the word "peeps"

7:17 MST  Yup, he did

7:21 MST Rudy Speaks to an Empty Room...

Rudy thanks those who showed up, McCain and Romney for being honorable men......oops, forgot FuckAbee....and Ron Paul, who won all the post debate call in polls.  [all of this is in the past tense, so he will prob endorse McCain tomorrow] Wow, Rudy's wife is giving him the sexy eye...I bet the hotel is a rockin' tonight

In honor of Rudy, we will all enjoy a nice Manhattan

• 3 oz Jack Daniels
• Dash of Vermouth
• Dash of Bitters
• twist or orange
• maraschino cherry

7:33 MST  Romney speaks next...let's listen in

Romney sounds stressed.  Clearly he thought he was going to win tonight.  Washington is Broken, cant fix it by sending McCain back to nap in the White House.  Plug for families, heath care, troops, etc.  The Economy is in Romney's DNA.  Wow, he's Market Man!

7:44 MST No Cocktail for Romney...he's Mormon.

7:48 MST McCain Victorious

McCain and Friends come on stage...WTF is up with Gov Crist?  He's Orange as..well..an Orange!?!  McCain points out that he won a Republican primary--so at least we all know we're in the right room.  McCain ties himself to Reagan...again.  Wow, he even called himself a Conservative.  He's hitting the Conservative Talking Planks HARD...it looks like Gov Crist is melting...

8:03 MST  The Lovely Aimee *sob*

The Gater Guzzle: Florida Primary Drinking Game

So it's going to be a long night.  Or at least so it seems to look that way judging from the last round of polls for the Florida Primary.  That is, assuming you believe exit polling data. Personally, I think the public is so fed up with being pestered by robo calls and pollsters that they are deliberately jerking their collective chains to get even.

To pass the time, and to take away the dull ache of the non stop clueless political jabbering of Team CNN, here is a drinking game from me to you to play as the results come in.

The Gater Guzzle

• Each time someone states that winning Florida will make candidate x, y, or z the front runner chuckle and take a drink. *two drinks on the Democrat side as there are not delegates up for grabs
• Each time Wolf Blitzer forgets that James Carville and Paul Begalia have been given the boot until the end of the Primary Season take two drinks
• Each time the CNN panel agrees that the Republican Party is finally embracing McCain gag and chug your glass
• Should Hillary lose and send in a written concession speech as she did in South Carolina, take three drinks and sing "Sweet Caroline"
• Each time Wolf Blitzer comments that the "race is tight," take one drink
• Any references to Camelot, take two drinks
• Each time someone brings up a GOP "brokered convention," take two drinks
• Each time someone uses the words "John Edwards" and "king maker" in the same sentence, take a drink when you've stopped laughing
• Should, at any time, CNN cut to cover a speech by Bill Clinton, drink straight from the bottle.

Tonight, Live Blogging Florida On The Rocks

FYI I will be live drunk blogging the Florida Primary later this evening.  While I don't personally hold that it is a sin to drink alone--come one, we've got the Patriot Act...are we ever truly "alone"--joining me this evening will be Clint, Mark, Pam, and the Lovely Aimee.

The martinis will be flowing!

How Many Five Year Olds Could YOU Take In A Fight

I thought this was particularly appropriate today, given the primaries in Florida.  But the question remains, how many five year olds could YOU take in a fight.  They say I can take 28.  I say avoid the problem altogether and ban the children.

28

There She Goes

They say a picture is worth 1,000 words.  This is just hysterical.  We've said it before, Mrs. Clinton, "You're ALL WET!"

TGIF Happy Hour Hottness

TGIF and all that jazz.  This weekend marks the last days of the National Western Stock Show in Denver, CO.  Only a few more hours left to do some ogling.  For those of you who haven't attended, I would encourage you to do so this weekend.  The weather is going to be terrific.

This evening I'm off to Happy Hour with Mike, Pam, and Deb at the Samba Room.  Normally I'm not one for sweet drinks, but their mojitos are particularly fatal.  We'll be the table lamenting the commie libs recent success in banning cigar smoking in the lounge.  Honestly, if these pantie waist do gooders really wanted to accomplish something.  How about we ban breeders from bringing the fruit of their loins into decent restaurants.  Now THAT would be a boon for business.

For those of you who can't go...here is some random rodeo hotness for your enjoyment!

Cheers!!

And Bill Clinton is [Still] So Very Angry

Bill Clinton continues to hog the spotlight in the Democrat nomination for President.  With the South Carolina Primary days away, you'd he that was running.  Actually, that isn't a half bad campaign strategy for Team Clinton given the Senator from New York's complete ineptitude on the stump.

In this most current rapier thrust, the former President gets in the face of a CNN reporter for bringing up the, dare I say "Clintonesque" slash and burn tactics of the Clinton political machine.

As much as I dread the thought of dealing with this three ring soap opera for four more years, I am enjoying this.  It's fun to see the Clinton machine turn on its own. 

"Shame on you," Bill tells us.  One might feel rebuked if they knew what the meaning of the word "is" is.  I'd ask Bill to clarify, but we've been down that road before.

Mayor Kilpatrick Soooo NAUGHTY!!!

Well it looks like the Republicans aren’t the only government officials caught up in the heat of passion these days.  The Detroit Free Press has uncovered these shocking text messages between Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick D - Detroit and a top [female] aide.

Ladies overt your eyes…this could be shocking.

“I’m madly in love with you,” 

Mr. Mayor, you brute!

To which the Venus replied

“I hope you feel that way for a long time.  I am madly in love with you too”

You scandalous strumpet, you.  Dare we read on????

“I’ve been dreaming all day about having you all to myself for 3 days.  Relaxing, laughing, talking, sleeping, and making love.”

Well move over, Henry Miller, these two have put Tropic of Cancer out of business.

Granted, the two were both married at the time but for crying out loud!?!  This is “steamy.”  Phfft!  I’m glad I’m in the private sector.  My blackberry would send the Detroit Free Press running for their smellin’ salts.

This Little Piggy Went To Mecca

The PC Police are alive and well and, as usual, are making a nuisance of themselves.  Let’s hop across the pond to Great Britain where the Three Little Pigs are making a stir.

“The Three Little Cowboy Builders,” a digital book designed to promote literacy and encourage children in creative writing has been banned from state sponsored awards.  Its use of pigs was ruled to be offensive to Muslims, and the ribbing at builders was deemed to be offensive to labor.  Gee, I guess your sense of humor and perspective are removed prior to government service in the UK too. 

I’m sure this foolishness will find its way to our shores sooner or later, so let’s offer up an ounce of sense before it does.  We live in that wonderful oddity knows as a democratic republic.  As such, we have this notion known as freedom of speech.  It’s a good thing, just ask Perez Hilton’s lawyer.  Like all good things, it has a few drawbacks.  Namely, there are bound to be lots of things said that are annoying, offensive, or just plan stupid.  Just peruse the Op Ed pages of the New York Times and the Boston Globe.  They’re still in business, so clearly we don’t have freedom from offence. 

Part of living in a grown up society that recognizes things like freedom of speech is the maturity to have thick enough skin to allow others to have their say without crying like a stuck pig.  It would appear this notion is lost on many Muslims, Christians, HR Departments, and whiny diversity organizations. 

McCain Triumphant – Kinda Sorta

The 1st in the South has come and gone and it is McCain Triumphant, and, as much as it pains me, I have to say "Thank Goodness."  Or, more correctly, "Thank Goodness it wasn't the FuckAbee."

As expected, our friends at CNN are going ga ga over McCain's historic win.  The breathless glee exhibited by Wolf Blitzer and That-Fat-Guy-Who-Looks-Like Mikale-Gorbachev-Without-the -Ketchup-On-The-Forehead that John McCain, their guy, has finally been accepted by those dimwitted conservatives was deeply touching.  As usual, they were wrong.

Fed Thompson may be too late to win the nomination for himself, but he has likely done us the monumental service of defusing the Huck-A-Bomb.  If we are to believe the exit polling data, the Huckster failed to make any inroads outside the Evangelical Christian base and actually lost ground with the holy rollers.  Will this be enough to cut off the cash and put an send him back to Arkansas.  We can only hope so.

Thigh High Low Point of the evening was Fred's speech.  It came too early in the evening and had too much of the past tense to make me believe he will fight on in Florida.  It was great to hear the core tenets of the Republican Party:  Free Market Capitalism - Limited Government - Low Taxes - Individualism in his speech.  We only fear it will be the last we here of them until 2010.

Just My Luck

Wouldn't you know it.  I blow off one night of Debate Blogging and the damn dems actually do something interesting.  Just my luck.  All last night I was getting text messages.  "OMG did she work for Wal Mart"  "Obama better hope there aren't lamps on stage" etc.

I'll be looking for highlights on YouTube.

Dim Dem Debate Blogging Canceled on Account of Rodeo Hottness

I will not be live drunk blogging tonight's Democrat debate in South Carolina.  Life offers us many choices.  Do we sit at home and following the nonsensical ravings of a bunch of dim Dem's?  Or do we hit the Stock Show and scope out red blooded American hotties?

We scope hotties.  Duh!?!

Instead of debate blogging, I offer you some eye candy.  That's usually more fun anyway!

Get Your Game On!

I knew it was only a matter of time.  Finally some blessed techno geek has stepped up to the plate and given us something to take our electoral aggression on...the candidates.  heh heh heh

The good folks at miniclip.com offer up a White House paint ball throw down featuring some of our favorite faces for 2008.  I wonder what it would take to get the creators of Doom to give it a go.  Give me a chain saw in god mode, and this election cycle might be fun.  Hell, it got me though grad school!

Feel free to play...

The Solar Death Ray

Uh...if anyone is listening.  My birthday is next month and I'd love a Solar Death Ray!!

Kick it Back

No real reason...I just feel like chillin'

Mommy Dearest

I don't know what it is about elections.  These contests that are at the very epicenter of the spirit of our republic --I know this, because CNN tells me so-- but it seems to me that it just brings out the crazy in all of us.  And I do mean crazy.  Don't believe me?  I give you Darren Garnick.

Her crazy isn't the wacked out in your face that we've come to know and love from, say, the supports of Ron Paul.  It's the smoldingering just below the surface crazy.  That's always more creepy.  Our dear Ms. Garnick had a dream.  Her dream was to have her 5 month old baby girl photographed with all of the presidential contenders in this election cycle--though I see she opted to avoid former Alaska Senator Gravel.  A wise move. to my way of thinking.

Who does this? !?  What sane person takes their five month old out in the cold New Hampshire winter to have it photographed with the biggest self inflated egos of the day.  And, given what we know about presidential candidates, are these the people you want your baby consorting with?

Our hearts go out to baby Garnick.  If mommy is using you you to schmoose at this age, I don't even want to think about what she has planned for your teenage years.  We look forward to the Lifetime network made for TV movie.

The link to Darren's photo album of crazy is here.  *shudder*

GOP South Carolina Spring Break Debate 2008

Here we go again.  Another debate, another state.  We've been doing so many of these I'm not sure where we are.  I think it's South Carolina, but who knows.  All of these debate halls look the same after a while.  You know the rules...let's get this thing started.

7:03 MST  Debate kicks of with a musical number.  The national anthem being sung is so much more tasteful than that loser with the guitar we were subjected to at the GOP BoobTube Debate

7:04 MST  Name the candidates 101.  Wow, they let Ron Paul back in.  We'll be delighted some old fashioned RonUlan crazy tonight.  I think that Romney practices that smile in the mirror every night before he goes to bed.

7:05 MST  It's the R word.  "Recession"

7:05 MST  Romney  Recession BAAAD.  I'll stop the housing crisis, save the middle class, lower gas prices - WTF did he klepto Hillary Clinton's debate notes?? - Michigan?  What, am I in the wrong state?

7:07 MST  McCain won NH, he says, because he told the truth even if the pasty old fools didn't want to hear. it.

7:09 MST  McCain suggests we stop out of control spending.  Great idea, sir.  Why didn't you do something about that when it was happening.  I mean you were a leading member of the majority party of the time as I recall.

7:10 MST McCain says he was not elected Miss Congeniality.  Yup, and I bet he didn't win Miss USA either

7:11 MST Fuck-A-Bee gives us the "paycheck to paycheck" line.  Oh Christ. *eye roll*  Forigen Oil = Slavery.  He has ideas ideas ideas....which means he is going to spend spend spend.

7:13 MST  Fuck-A-Bee endorses the *cough* "Fair Tax" in 3...2...1

7:13 MST  Will Rudy be able to make the case for tax cuts??  It's a simple answer, Rudy.  Can he do it...let's listen in.

7:14 MST  Rudy brings up the notion of cutting spending.  MG Not one, but TWO Republican candidates have brought up the notion of cutting spending.  YES!!  A round of shots for everyone!!!  You go Rudy.  Oh, and give it up with the invoking the Name of Reagen every five seconds, Rudy.  You're not going to fool anyone.

7:14 MST McCain says Tax Cuts need to be made permanent.

*MG all this fiscal conservatism talk.  They're trying to get me in bed!!*

7:15 MST  Ron Paul tells us we're in a recession, it's going to get worse, we're all going to go bankrupt, and we'll all be in 1930 soup lines by Fri.day.  Wow, he brought up Austrian Economics.  So the 12 people who stayed awake in Macro 201 know what that means

7:17 MST  Thompson tells us Tax Cuts Work.  The Revenues went up, consumer spending went up,it's just too bad that the Bush Administration ran around spending money like teenagers with credit cards.

*damn*  Carl Cameron looks so gay...and not in a good way.  I bet he was the darling of the Political Science club!

7:19 MST Fuck-A-Bee is dolling himself up in conservative drag. Tries to shore up credentials.  But blows it with his weak assed Fax populism of loser.  Here he goes again with the single mom living paycheck to paycheck story line.  I wonder if he got that line from Bill Clinton?

7:21 MST  McCain admits we overspent.  I give him props for admitting that.  Global warming might be kinda real, but not in my life time.  Mumble mumble mumble.

7:23 MST  Romney makes it clear that he is NOT an abortionist, the MA Court is.  Also, his hair is as just as nice as Reagan so the mantel is his.

7:25 MST  Fred.. I *heart* you.  I've been dying for someone...anyone to act like a Republican in this damn race for months.  Oh...he's really sticking it to Fuck-A-Bee now...

"Thats not the model of the Reagan Coalition.  Thats the Model of the Democrat Party"

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.  FINALLY someone said it.  Barkeep, drinks for all!  We're all Republicans today.

7:26 MST Fuck-A-Bee gives a huffy, pissy, snuffy answer that HE is a conservative and if the definition needs to be changed, then he'll change it.

7:28  MST Rudy tries to make the case for his being a conservative.  He is for low taxes, peace though strength, and devolve power to the people.  If only he really meant it *sigh* 

7:30 MST  Woo Hoo  Ron Paul  being asked directly about his crazy/scary/rabid supporters.  This should be good.  Ron Paul won't tell t he crazy Rhinelans to quit spewing crazy 9/11 conspiracy theories too bizarre for even the Democrat Underground.  He must be afraid of them.  Clearly he's going to change the subject by going stammer stammer stutter stutter.

7:36 MST  Fuck-A-Bee *waffles* on the question of the Iranian ships but is still able to throw in the pre-written sound bite about "be ready to face the gates of hell."

7:38 MST  Thompson makes a funny about the 70 Virgins of Martyrdom

*on a side note, What the hell is it with Islamofacists and virgins?  Give me the slut any day, you're going to have a much better time.*

7:42 MST  Ron Paul is looking goofier than usual.  He's got the crazy eye going this debate.  He's on a tear that we're all a bunch of war crazed bombing meanies that just want to find an excuse or something. 

Brit Hume *interrupts* the Paul Rant of Crazy to point out that everyone had opted for the passive response used. 

Ron Paul *claims* not to have heard and keeps babbling

7:44 MST  Romney makes a funny.  He suggests that Crazy Ron Paul quit reading  Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's press releases. 

Ron Paul gives Romney the Look of DEATH!!!  Maybe he'll issue a Hillary Cackle and summon swarms of his RonUlans to the Romney residence with banners and chanting?

7:46 MST  McCain shoves the Iraq war question out of the template.  Woo Hoo!  Way to go, John!  It's about damned time you guys stand up and call the left's moral hypocrisy on this one.  *snap* *snap* *snap*

7:48 MST  Rudy brings up Reagan again [go figure].  Gives a good answer on the future of Palestine.

7:49 MST Ron Paul takes us to the Mid East via his prodigious mental powers.  There he shows us that the USA is just in the way, treating Israel like that step child who can't do anything right, bla bla bla.

7:52 MST Does Ron Paul realize that everyone - apart from the RonUlans - is laughing at him?

....  Nope ....

7:54 MST  Fred Thompson gives us not one, but TWO funnies

7:56 MST  Well, Romney isn't just for moving up the moderate voices in the GOP, but in the Islamic world as well.  ooOOOoo we used the word "modernity" SOOO highbrow.

7:58 MST Fuck-A-Bee gets a wasted money question.  This should be rich.  He glosses over the question to go and pick on Ron Paul.

7:59 MST Fuck-A-Bee calls Ron Paul on the carpet for his statement on Israel

Ron Paul gives the Fuckster the crazy eye AND the look of Death

8:00 MST  Ron Paul goes on a tare about Israel.  Oh lord, this isn't going to be good.

8:01 MST  Rudy to Paul  "I've been to Israel, Israel is a friend of mine, and YOU sir, don't know a Torah from a Koran.

8:02 MST  Thompson gets all tactical.  It's like a Tom Clancy novel.

8:03 MST McCain makes a Burka Joke

8:04 MST Ron Paul goes Postal

8:06 MST  Romney will take Washington apart.  Hopefully, when he puts it back together, he'll fix the traffic problems on the beltway and the crappy architecture.

8:08 MST Sheriff John McCain won't take lip from uppity senators.

8:09 MST The Fuck-A-Bee cares about the children.  So much that he is willing to take money from me to pay for them.  It's what Jesus would do, he tells me.

8:11 MST Fred Thompson continues to steal my heart with this Huck-A-Smack-down.

8:14 MST  Fuck-A-Bee reminds us that he is an Evangelical Christian *like we could forget*  And goes on to tell us a story of Jesus, the ones he likes to hear....

8:17 MST  Now the moderators are joining the fun of poking Ron Paul and his supporters of Crazy

8:19 MST  Ron Paul wants to borrow money from China....his meds must be wearing off if he actually said that...

8:23 MST  John McCain admits that while the American public might be foolish enough to be dooped by polling numbers in New Hampshire, they're not dumb enough to believe that congress is ever going to follow though with anything.

8:25 MST  John McCain teaches geography, did you know that Arizona is a boarder state?  There is no oceanfront property though, no matter what George Strait says.

8:26 MST Ron Paul wants us to quit securing boarders in Iraq

8:27 MST Rudy tells us that people don't need green cards to rape, steal, and murder.

Debate ends.  Next...even MORE "undecided voters" *wink* *wink*

With Friends Like These...

We have it on good authority that loser former Presidential Candidate Senator John Kerry plans to endorse Barack Obama despite the bust at Obamapalusa on Tuesday.  Clearly Senator Obama is ecstatic over getting the support of this also-ran.  I mean, it's written all over his face. 

And who is that in the background looking gleeful?  Could it be Terry McCullough?  Uh-oh, we all know the only thing that gets that shit eating grin on Terry's face is evil plotting and dirty tricks.

Some friendly advice, Barack.  Watch your back.  The vengeful eyes of the House of Clinton are fixed upon you.

As they say...now the fun begins.