Unless you've been living under a rock for the last six months, you know that tomorrow is the Big Day. Well, maybe not the Big Day, but the first Big Day of lots of other Big Days in campaign 2008. The Iowa cauci are mere hours away. Oh, Joy!
All of the networks are gushing rhapsodic about just who will be the best candidate to unite the country, to bring us together, to lead us into the future! Bla bla bla. Please. Does anyone actually believe that this motley crew can foot that particular bill? "I'll take the Eighth of Never for $1,000, Alex."
Maybe we're going about this all the wrong way. Perhaps the best way to bring the nation together isn't a talent search for a white knight to lead the city on the hill. Maybe the best thing for us to do is to elect the candidate we all hate the most.
To that end, I give you Ron Paul.
No really. It's not the liquor talking. Hear me out on this.
It's clear that no one, including me, is all hot and bothered for anyone in this race. In fact, I can't think of a time where the public has ever felt so uninspired by everyone. That in mind, we're clearly fooling ourselves to think that this crowd of neophytes and washed up has beens has a fool's chance in hell at making things any better.
Now think about President Paul. Don't worry. I'll wait until your spasm is passed. Feeling better? Good! Can you think of any candidate out there guaranteed to throw both parties into collective conniption fits? I bet the Honeymoon doesn't make it past the inaugural address. With his calls to abolish the Federal Reserve, return to the Gold Standard, and the myriad of his other 1000 points of crazy the two warring sides of the isle will have no choice but to come together to put a stop to the lunacy. Paul's craziness is such a bizarre and haphazard checkerboard of the ideological spectrum that neither party will have an upper hand.
There is another bright point to all of this. Both parties would be so busy trying to keep Paul in check that they'd have no time or energy to dream up new and creative ways to blow the national piggy bank. They'd also be too preoccupied to meddle in our affairs as citizens. What bliss! A better recipe to tell our representatives in Washington to buzz off I can't think of.
At least tomorrow we'll be past Iowa.
Cheers!