High Lonesome

Live Blogging: Florida Primary Edition

I'm still waiting on guests to arrive and I've not switched on CNN.  So now is a good time to pull out the gray goose and look deep into the martini glass to see what is in store for us tonight. 

Martini Glass Divination Predictions

Republican Slate

• 34% Romney
• 32% McCain
• 16% Rudy
• 12% FuckABee
• 6% Paul

Democrat Slate

• 44% Hillary
• 40% Obama
• 16% Edwards

5:32 MST  WTF CNN is reporting returns before all the polls have closed.  I guess we didn't learn anything from 2000.

5:35 MST Hillary Clinton plans to Party Down for a Big Win in Florida that has no delegates.  Someone send that woman a big glass of symbolism over substance.

5:51 MST  The Lovely Aimee asks, "If you win a primary with no delegates, does that make you the first loser?"

5:53 MST  Clint, wearing his I *heart* Hillary button, says "a win is a win."

6:01 MST Polls Close.  CNN Graphics Intern is still using the same crappy visual aids.

6:13 MST CNN Calls the Democrat Florida Primary for Hillary Clinton...Wolf!  Tell her what she's won..

That's right Hillary, you've won an empty victory.  No Votes, No Delegates, No Problems.  Just like Michigan.  But thats not all, you've won the right to stand on a stage and claim a win that has as much significance as the believability of your marriage to Bill. 

Hill-a-Tini:  Pretty in Pink

• 2 oz Stolis
• 1 oz Cranberry Juice
• 1/2 oz Tipelsec
• lime juice

6:26 MST  Hill-a-Tini deemed a success.  Lightweight, pink, sour, and lacking substance.

6:32 MST CNN Babbles on about Hillary's win, that wasn't a win, but might be a win, because it looks a win, and because no one really pays attention to the details, it could be a draw.

6:44 MST  Hillary is gloating about her kinda-somewhat-maybe win with no delages...let's listen in...

Bla bla bla, historic win [really?], I will make Florida votes count [unlike 2000 maybe], because I won, I will make sure your delegates get seated now,  this is an intense election because people actually care [which is good because you care more than anyone else].  Lord, she's still pushing the 35 years of experience.  It's just like Tyler Bramlet in HS...the world is my resume even if I've never accomplished a damn thing.  Thankfully....wolf breaks away...

6:48 MST We all thank Wolf for pulling us away from that dog and pony show.  Now, time for another drink!

6:51 MST Rudy 4 Prez HQ looks like he's running for Collier County School Board.  Next Up:  The Key Lime Martini

• 2 oz of gray goose
• 1 oz half and half
• 1/2 oz lime juice
• 1/2 oz half n half

6:56 MST The FuckAbee Speaks...We Drink And Mock

I wish I'd brought the FL weather with me [oh...so funny], we're 2nd in delegate count, we're in this ballgame for 9 innings [ya, and you've lost the last 3], we're just getting started [no, it's just the beginning of the end....thank goodness], long list of people who helped him lose...bla bla bla, oh, here comes the fried chicken joke....at least he didn't bring up the squirrel.

7:02 MST Bill Bennett to Obama:  "Step it up man, you're playing ball against team Clinton, not the Church League."  He's not kidding, just ask Kathleen Willey.

7:06 MST  CNN tells us that Rudy blew it big time.  Does he drop out tonight.  Discuss

7:12 MST CNN Projects McCain Winner in Florida

7:16 MST Please tell me that Mikale-Gorbi-Without-The-Splotch didn't use the word "peeps"

7:17 MST  Yup, he did

7:21 MST Rudy Speaks to an Empty Room...

Rudy thanks those who showed up, McCain and Romney for being honorable men......oops, forgot FuckAbee....and Ron Paul, who won all the post debate call in polls.  [all of this is in the past tense, so he will prob endorse McCain tomorrow] Wow, Rudy's wife is giving him the sexy eye...I bet the hotel is a rockin' tonight

In honor of Rudy, we will all enjoy a nice Manhattan

• 3 oz Jack Daniels
• Dash of Vermouth
• Dash of Bitters
• twist or orange
• maraschino cherry

7:33 MST  Romney speaks next...let's listen in

Romney sounds stressed.  Clearly he thought he was going to win tonight.  Washington is Broken, cant fix it by sending McCain back to nap in the White House.  Plug for families, heath care, troops, etc.  The Economy is in Romney's DNA.  Wow, he's Market Man!

7:44 MST No Cocktail for Romney...he's Mormon.

7:48 MST McCain Victorious

McCain and Friends come on stage...WTF is up with Gov Crist?  He's Orange as..well..an Orange!?!  McCain points out that he won a Republican primary--so at least we all know we're in the right room.  McCain ties himself to Reagan...again.  Wow, he even called himself a Conservative.  He's hitting the Conservative Talking Planks HARD...it looks like Gov Crist is melting...

8:03 MST  The Lovely Aimee *sob*

The Gater Guzzle: Florida Primary Drinking Game

So it's going to be a long night.  Or at least so it seems to look that way judging from the last round of polls for the Florida Primary.  That is, assuming you believe exit polling data. Personally, I think the public is so fed up with being pestered by robo calls and pollsters that they are deliberately jerking their collective chains to get even.

To pass the time, and to take away the dull ache of the non stop clueless political jabbering of Team CNN, here is a drinking game from me to you to play as the results come in.

The Gater Guzzle

• Each time someone states that winning Florida will make candidate x, y, or z the front runner chuckle and take a drink. *two drinks on the Democrat side as there are not delegates up for grabs
• Each time Wolf Blitzer forgets that James Carville and Paul Begalia have been given the boot until the end of the Primary Season take two drinks
• Each time the CNN panel agrees that the Republican Party is finally embracing McCain gag and chug your glass
• Should Hillary lose and send in a written concession speech as she did in South Carolina, take three drinks and sing "Sweet Caroline"
• Each time Wolf Blitzer comments that the "race is tight," take one drink
• Any references to Camelot, take two drinks
• Each time someone brings up a GOP "brokered convention," take two drinks
• Each time someone uses the words "John Edwards" and "king maker" in the same sentence, take a drink when you've stopped laughing
• Should, at any time, CNN cut to cover a speech by Bill Clinton, drink straight from the bottle.

Tonight, Live Blogging Florida On The Rocks

FYI I will be live drunk blogging the Florida Primary later this evening.  While I don't personally hold that it is a sin to drink alone--come one, we've got the Patriot Act...are we ever truly "alone"--joining me this evening will be Clint, Mark, Pam, and the Lovely Aimee.

The martinis will be flowing!

There She Goes

They say a picture is worth 1,000 words.  This is just hysterical.  We've said it before, Mrs. Clinton, "You're ALL WET!"

And Bill Clinton is [Still] So Very Angry

Bill Clinton continues to hog the spotlight in the Democrat nomination for President.  With the South Carolina Primary days away, you'd he that was running.  Actually, that isn't a half bad campaign strategy for Team Clinton given the Senator from New York's complete ineptitude on the stump.

In this most current rapier thrust, the former President gets in the face of a CNN reporter for bringing up the, dare I say "Clintonesque" slash and burn tactics of the Clinton political machine.

As much as I dread the thought of dealing with this three ring soap opera for four more years, I am enjoying this.  It's fun to see the Clinton machine turn on its own. 

"Shame on you," Bill tells us.  One might feel rebuked if they knew what the meaning of the word "is" is.  I'd ask Bill to clarify, but we've been down that road before.

McCain Triumphant – Kinda Sorta

The 1st in the South has come and gone and it is McCain Triumphant, and, as much as it pains me, I have to say "Thank Goodness."  Or, more correctly, "Thank Goodness it wasn't the FuckAbee."

As expected, our friends at CNN are going ga ga over McCain's historic win.  The breathless glee exhibited by Wolf Blitzer and That-Fat-Guy-Who-Looks-Like Mikale-Gorbachev-Without-the -Ketchup-On-The-Forehead that John McCain, their guy, has finally been accepted by those dimwitted conservatives was deeply touching.  As usual, they were wrong.

Fed Thompson may be too late to win the nomination for himself, but he has likely done us the monumental service of defusing the Huck-A-Bomb.  If we are to believe the exit polling data, the Huckster failed to make any inroads outside the Evangelical Christian base and actually lost ground with the holy rollers.  Will this be enough to cut off the cash and put an send him back to Arkansas.  We can only hope so.

Thigh High Low Point of the evening was Fred's speech.  It came too early in the evening and had too much of the past tense to make me believe he will fight on in Florida.  It was great to hear the core tenets of the Republican Party:  Free Market Capitalism - Limited Government - Low Taxes - Individualism in his speech.  We only fear it will be the last we here of them until 2010.

Just My Luck

Wouldn't you know it.  I blow off one night of Debate Blogging and the damn dems actually do something interesting.  Just my luck.  All last night I was getting text messages.  "OMG did she work for Wal Mart"  "Obama better hope there aren't lamps on stage" etc.

I'll be looking for highlights on YouTube.

Dim Dem Debate Blogging Canceled on Account of Rodeo Hottness

I will not be live drunk blogging tonight's Democrat debate in South Carolina.  Life offers us many choices.  Do we sit at home and following the nonsensical ravings of a bunch of dim Dem's?  Or do we hit the Stock Show and scope out red blooded American hotties?

We scope hotties.  Duh!?!

Instead of debate blogging, I offer you some eye candy.  That's usually more fun anyway!

Get Your Game On!

I knew it was only a matter of time.  Finally some blessed techno geek has stepped up to the plate and given us something to take our electoral aggression on...the candidates.  heh heh heh

The good folks at miniclip.com offer up a White House paint ball throw down featuring some of our favorite faces for 2008.  I wonder what it would take to get the creators of Doom to give it a go.  Give me a chain saw in god mode, and this election cycle might be fun.  Hell, it got me though grad school!

Feel free to play...

Mommy Dearest

I don't know what it is about elections.  These contests that are at the very epicenter of the spirit of our republic --I know this, because CNN tells me so-- but it seems to me that it just brings out the crazy in all of us.  And I do mean crazy.  Don't believe me?  I give you Darren Garnick.

Her crazy isn't the wacked out in your face that we've come to know and love from, say, the supports of Ron Paul.  It's the smoldingering just below the surface crazy.  That's always more creepy.  Our dear Ms. Garnick had a dream.  Her dream was to have her 5 month old baby girl photographed with all of the presidential contenders in this election cycle--though I see she opted to avoid former Alaska Senator Gravel.  A wise move. to my way of thinking.

Who does this? !?  What sane person takes their five month old out in the cold New Hampshire winter to have it photographed with the biggest self inflated egos of the day.  And, given what we know about presidential candidates, are these the people you want your baby consorting with?

Our hearts go out to baby Garnick.  If mommy is using you you to schmoose at this age, I don't even want to think about what she has planned for your teenage years.  We look forward to the Lifetime network made for TV movie.

The link to Darren's photo album of crazy is here.  *shudder*